>> stephen: welcome to the "lateshow." >> audience: i love you,stephen! >> stephen: i love you, too. welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert.
House Republicans Drank Your Sorrows Away, ( cheers and applause )very nice. hey, everybody. first of all, happy friday. that's always a good feeling.
( cheers and applause )and happy cinco de mayo! ( cheers and applause )as traditional, the white house threw a party this year hostedby vice president and man who thinks toothpaste is too spicy,mike pence. ( laughter )here's the thing, here's the thing-- they actually threw theparty yesterday. which isn't cinco de mayo. it's actually "cuatro" de mayo. so for once, mike pence was aday ahead instead of about a
hundred years behind. ( cheers and applause )and while the party is usually a big deal, this year's fiesta hada reduced guest list. which makes sense. trump has been very open abouttrying to reduce our country's mexican guest list. ( laughter )also, the event wasn't actually at the white house. they held it in the nearbyeisenhower building's indian
treaty room. free party planning advice: ifyou're celebrating another culture, maybe don't remindthem what happened to the last ethnic group we threw a partyfor. ( laughter )( applause ). >> jon: oh. it's history. >> stephen: and this is thefirst time in 16 years that the cinco de mayo party wasn'thosted by the president himself.
though he did send alonga cake: "hasta la vista, bad hombres!"as i'm sure you heard yesterday, the house passed trumpcare by amargin of one vote, and for once, the people with more voteswon. the republicans celebrated allnight last night with a big party, big party, where,apparently, cases upon cases of beer were rolled into capital. but today, the party's over. and republicans are dealing withthe fallout of what they did.
i believe we have some footage. >> they thought they passed thehealth care bill. >> wooo! road trip! >> but they're about to findout, repealing and replacing obamacare isn't so easy. kevin mccarthy. >> oh, my god! >> paul ryan.
and donald trump. in "the healthcare hangover." hopefully, not coming thissummer. ( cheers and applause )>> stephen, of course, that-- you're a good man. , of course, we kid. we kid. that footage is from "thehangover," which is also about a group of white men who have noidea how to care for babies.
now, even though the pollsaren't out yet, everyone is saying that this bill is likelyto be unpopular. coincidentally, likely to beunpopular was also what sean spicer was voted in high school. ( laughter )and i get, i totally get why people are upset. here's the deal-- the new bill"allows insurers to charge older customers five times as much asyounger ones." and it repeals the employermandate which "requires larger
companies to provide affordableinsurance to their employees." but don't worry about it. no, no, no, do not worry aboutthat broken arm. you can fix it with a cast madeout of stolen pens from the supply closet. the plan always allows states toopt out of covering pre-existing conditions, which also allowsvoters to opt out of the republican party in 2018because. ( cheers and applause )because today the nonpartisan
cook political report moved 20house seats in the dems' favor. ( cheers and applause )yeah. man, i feel-- i feel-- i feelsorry for the republicans. they might be out of a job soon. then they'll never get healthcare. ( laughter )but at least we know the republicans risked their careersfor a bill that i'm sure they fully understood. >> did you actually sit down andread the entire bill plus all of
the amendments? >> i will fully admit, wolf, idid not, but i can also assure you, my staff did. >> have you read the whole bill? >> oh, gosh. let's put it this way-- peoplein my office have read all the parts of the bill. >> stephen: oh, gosh, gee wilcers. there are people in the officewho read parts of the bill.
susan handled the nouns. alan took the verbs, devonmanaged all the prepositions. barbara says the bill is greatbut that might be because she was in charge of the adjectives. uh-huh. so. ( cheers and applause )she also said it was slippery and furry and hasty. of course, even though it's notpopular, it was a big victory
for the president. and after it passed, presidenttrump went to new york to meet the australian prime ministerand praise crecialg republicans. >> the republicans are veryunited. you see that today. the republicans came togetherall of a sudden, two days ago, and it was like magic. >> stephen: magic, by theway-- not a lot of people's best option for medical care.
"i will now pull your appendixout of this hat." ( laughter )now, quick reminder for everybody out there who doesn'tremember-- australia has universal, government-run healthcare. so it created a bit of a stirwhen the president said this: >> it's going to be fantastichere. right now, obamacare is failing. we have a failing health care--i shouldn't say this to our agreement gentleman and myfriend from australia because
you have better health care thanwe do. >> stephen: "i love it. it's tremendous. they've got co koala nurses. instead of an ambulance, you hopinto a kangaroo's pouch, off to the hospital. hoppityy-hoppitiy. choppityy-choppity( applause ) toilets go the other way.
it's magical. ( laughter )"after the surgery, bloomin' 'onion. it's fantastic." that's not a scalpel, this is ascalpel. you know who else was watch,democratic senator and every member of steely dan combined. ( cheers and applause )bernie sanders. and senator sanders had thisresponse.
>> you have better health carethan we do. >> i thought you would-->> okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, chris. all right, the president hasjust said it. that's great. >> stephen: wow. i haven't seen bernie sanderslaugh that hard since his days on "the muppet" show. ( cheers and applause )we miss you, waldorf.
of course, trump's heard thecriticisms, and he defended the plan on twitter by saying it'snot really the plan. "big win in the house. very exciting. but when everything comestogether with the inclusion of phase 2, we will have trulygreat health care." oh, great, phase 2. ( laughter )what is that? what is phase 2?
there's nothing ominous aboutsaying to a patient, "we've reviewed your medical profile,mr. jones. and you're ready for phase 2. please put on the healing maskand step into the health booth. now, good, yes, i'll just pushthis red button to initiate... phase 3!"( cheers and applause ) lost in the shuffle of thetrumpcare vote yesterday was a major announcement by donaldhimself. >> i am proud to make a majorand historic announcement this
morning, and to share with youthat my first foreign trip as president of the united states. >> to saudi arabia, and thenrome. >> stephen: it's truly ahistoric trip since none of those places is mar-a-lago. and by making saudi arabia andisrael his first stops, trump is clearly focusing on conflicts inthe middle east, something he discussed with palestinianauthority president, mahmoud abbas.
>> it's a great honor to havepresident abbas with us. we'll be having lunch together. we will be discussing detailsabout what has proven to be a very difficult situation betweenisrael and the palestinians, and let's see if we can find asolution. it's something that is maybe notas difficult as people thought over the years. >>> stephen: yeah, middle eastpeace, not that difficult. i'm sure they have plenty ofideas.
have they tried building a wall? they have, okay, i'm out ofideas. it's hopeless. not that hard. we've got a great show for youtonight. richard gere is here. when we return, we will run offand join the circus. stick around. ♪ ♪ ♪( applause )
